I remember why I stopped watching television. It wasn't just because I had better things to do, or that I exercised less and accomplished less because of it. It was because I get emotionally caught up in these false characters and after watching just one episode I think about these characters constantly as if they're real people, wondering what life has in store for them in the future and I think about it until I press that magic button again and watch a few more episodes to find out. The problem is, television isn't like the old days. I don't have cable. I don't pay to watch endless streams of television. I have this magic thing that allows me to look up whatever TV show and episode I desire at any time. I am able to watch as many episodes as exist and keep watching old series until, finally, it ends. I'm currently in the middle of a 12 season series that is still ongoing. Some of you may guess what it is, or maybe I told you. It's a back and forth drama about a group of surgeons and their love affairs. I started on season 1 in the fall (or maybe it was the beginning of winter). I am already on season 8. Before I begun this show I watched 15 seasons of another (slightly more realistic but still diminishes nurses roles) medical show. I knew that show had ended and wasn't coming back so I watched 3-5 episodes a day (on my days off of course.. or before work.. or after work) until it was over. Then there was a sort of deflated satisfaction coming to the end of series that killed off or moved so many characters from beginning to end and then brought them all back to complete the viewers sense of "Fin", I say deflated because then suddenly it was over and I had all of this time and no idea how to spend it. So what did I do? First I cleaned and exercised and did a few hobbies.. then I found another show to obsess over. So, why am I writing this on my adventurous, motivational, optimistic blog? Perhaps to remind myself and anybody who chooses to read this that there are better things in life than the false characters on television. Perhaps TV is okay in moderation. Perhaps one episode a week, like the times I had cable and had to wait for that episode, is not harmful. For me, this show (and any I watch even if it's set in a fantasy world or a supernatural world, or a world where there is no possible way I can relate) causes me to waste my time thinking about people who aren't even real rather than relating to people who are here in the real world.
It's the real people that I need to focus my time on. I have had a hard time lately figuring out how to be motivated to go through the daily motions. I go to a job I love and when I have a day off I spend time with the man I love.. until my day off is a day he's working, which happens all too often. Then I spend my day off thinking "what do I do now?" and I wish I was at work. I think about how busy I used to be when I lived with my parents and was completing my bachelor's of science. I was busy from dawn to dusk and I was happy about it. I would go swimming, go to class, meet with friends, volunteer, plan parties and social gatherings, eat dinner with my family, study, go to sleep, and repeat. I worked on weekends, I volunteered when I could, I danced at least once a week, I fell in love more than once and I made plans to travel and to bike and hike, and change the world. I didn't care how people saw me because I had a great group of friends who accepted me for who I am no matter what. I had a group of friends who listened to me when I was feeling down and helped me come to big life decisions (or so I thought they were when I was 19 and 20).
I cried when I moved. I cried when I gathered with my close friends and talked about how weird it was that I'd be living so far away, even though 9 hours and 808km really isn't that far with today's world. I promised them I would be back after the 2 years it took me to finish school. How hard can it be to move back, I thought. How hard could it be to find a job? Well.. it's been 4 1/2 years since I said that and here I am still, 808km away from the people I call my closest friends and family. Here I am in a full time job with a fiance and a small rented apartment that costs way too much. I forced him to move here while I was in school. I told him I missed him too much and I couldn't handle him working so far away - 950km from me. He took a brave step, changed his career, and now is in a narrow sector which makes it difficult to leave. How can I choose between the man I love and the friends who kept me grounded? I never would, of course. Or perhaps I have already - I chose him.
I do have friends here. I met some amazing people in nursing school.. but most of them turned out to not be my type of friend. They're nice enough but neither they nor I made much of an effort to stay in touch once the scramble for jobs happened. A few of us still hang out, make lunch or coffee dates once every couple of months, talk about our jobs and little else. One is the kind of person I call up on a random day and visit at her home and tell her all about my life and hear all about hers. I never realized how hard it was to be friends with a nurse though. Especially when you are one. We all have different schedules that seem to jump around randomly, that switch between days and nights, and force us to plan the rest of our lives at odd times. How do you meet other people that aren't nurses when you came to this city to become a nurse and have focused an little else since then? How can I fit a second social group here without filling up the space for friendship within me and forcing some of them further in the background?
I started this blog to help remind me of the things I should be motivated to achieve. Maybe it's the winter weather or the lack of sunshine I've been receiving. I just haven't been able to remember what I need to do in life to get back to the point I was at when I was a student, an employee, a volunteer, a girlfriend, a fitness buff, and a social organizer. That point when I loved multi-tasking and filling up my calendar and still having some room for spontaneity. Surely, shift work hasn't killed all of that? Maybe it's the fact that I am now done school and in a career that makes it difficult to figure out what next. Sure, there's my wedding, and I feel I've focused A LOT on that.. so much to the point that it's not really fun any more and I'd rather not focus on the details of the wedding than the fact that I'll be marrying my best friend. I am ready to elope. We're going to Hawaii in a couple of months and I'd love to gather at the top of a volcano there and say "I do" and get it over with. Then we can use the venue and photographer we have already reserved to be there just for a party. Or.. we can forfeit our deposit on the venue, find a hall, and have a pot luck! But of course, that won't happen, because everyone is excited to be there for our wedding and to watch us get married and to be a part of organizing the whole thing. It's all pretty organized anyway - we have an officiant, we have a venue, caterers, and a photographer. I now have a dress and he has a suit. Nobody really remembers the decorations in the end and I should pass the duties of music on to someone who is better at organizing that. There! Done! No centerpieces, and only balloons for decorations. As for a cake (or pie) we will buy a generic one the day before and simply place it on a table the day of. There, done. Planned.
With that off my plate, what is there to focus on next? Exercise? Clean house? Minimalism? Scrap-booking? It's not like I don't have hobbies. In fact, I have been dressed in my exercise gear since I woke up, hoping to motivate me to follow through with my goal to exercise. I see pictures of girls in sports bras and short shorts with there flat, defined abs, and tight thighs and butts. I wish I could be those girls but it's more difficult to be motivated to be them. It's hard to be motivated to eat egg whites, cut out sugar, make smoothies 2-3 times a day, plan meals in advance, and go to the gym daily, if not twice a day. I do exercise and eat fairly healthy because I believe in health. I do have a gym membership at work because I find when I workout during a night shift I feel better in the morning. I was thinking of doing drop in yoga this month at a studio just a couple blocks from my house.. but the $20 drop in fee deflates me. I was thinking of getting back into the drop in dance classes I tried while I was a nursing student and during my first year working as a nurse. Why haven't I done these? Because these classes are in the evening and I'm waiting for my future husband to come home and to interact with him and cook him dinner, and right now it feels more important to do that then to go to a dance class. Of course, I'm just making excuses. I need to come up with a goal. Just one goal for now, to work toward, to keep me motivated to stay in this city without aching for a baby. Oh yeah, I didn't mention that? I really want a baby. I think it's a combination of working with children, seeing my friends have children, and thinking about getting closer to turning 30. I think it's also a distraction so that I have something to look forward to that is a real possibility. Unlike the possibility of moving within just a couple hundred kms of my old friends and the mountains and better weather. Unlike the possibility of gaining steps in my career and becoming a critical care or emergency nurse or the possibility of getting a masters in nursing. Why can't I change my career? Because I want to be closer to the mountains and to my friends and family. Why can't it wait? Because I'm getting older and want a baby. Because I'm getting older I want to experience working and living in Australia with my sister for a little while (because you can't do that after 30) and want a stable career before having said baby and because I've had a dream to cycle across Canada since I was 18 and feel closer and closer to giving up that dream. You see my predicament? I'm sure I'll figure it out though. I'm sure I'll be able to do it all. Maybe I'll just have to wait another year for a baby and a house and a dog.
Till then.. Just keep smiling.
It's the real people that I need to focus my time on. I have had a hard time lately figuring out how to be motivated to go through the daily motions. I go to a job I love and when I have a day off I spend time with the man I love.. until my day off is a day he's working, which happens all too often. Then I spend my day off thinking "what do I do now?" and I wish I was at work. I think about how busy I used to be when I lived with my parents and was completing my bachelor's of science. I was busy from dawn to dusk and I was happy about it. I would go swimming, go to class, meet with friends, volunteer, plan parties and social gatherings, eat dinner with my family, study, go to sleep, and repeat. I worked on weekends, I volunteered when I could, I danced at least once a week, I fell in love more than once and I made plans to travel and to bike and hike, and change the world. I didn't care how people saw me because I had a great group of friends who accepted me for who I am no matter what. I had a group of friends who listened to me when I was feeling down and helped me come to big life decisions (or so I thought they were when I was 19 and 20).
I cried when I moved. I cried when I gathered with my close friends and talked about how weird it was that I'd be living so far away, even though 9 hours and 808km really isn't that far with today's world. I promised them I would be back after the 2 years it took me to finish school. How hard can it be to move back, I thought. How hard could it be to find a job? Well.. it's been 4 1/2 years since I said that and here I am still, 808km away from the people I call my closest friends and family. Here I am in a full time job with a fiance and a small rented apartment that costs way too much. I forced him to move here while I was in school. I told him I missed him too much and I couldn't handle him working so far away - 950km from me. He took a brave step, changed his career, and now is in a narrow sector which makes it difficult to leave. How can I choose between the man I love and the friends who kept me grounded? I never would, of course. Or perhaps I have already - I chose him.
I do have friends here. I met some amazing people in nursing school.. but most of them turned out to not be my type of friend. They're nice enough but neither they nor I made much of an effort to stay in touch once the scramble for jobs happened. A few of us still hang out, make lunch or coffee dates once every couple of months, talk about our jobs and little else. One is the kind of person I call up on a random day and visit at her home and tell her all about my life and hear all about hers. I never realized how hard it was to be friends with a nurse though. Especially when you are one. We all have different schedules that seem to jump around randomly, that switch between days and nights, and force us to plan the rest of our lives at odd times. How do you meet other people that aren't nurses when you came to this city to become a nurse and have focused an little else since then? How can I fit a second social group here without filling up the space for friendship within me and forcing some of them further in the background?
I started this blog to help remind me of the things I should be motivated to achieve. Maybe it's the winter weather or the lack of sunshine I've been receiving. I just haven't been able to remember what I need to do in life to get back to the point I was at when I was a student, an employee, a volunteer, a girlfriend, a fitness buff, and a social organizer. That point when I loved multi-tasking and filling up my calendar and still having some room for spontaneity. Surely, shift work hasn't killed all of that? Maybe it's the fact that I am now done school and in a career that makes it difficult to figure out what next. Sure, there's my wedding, and I feel I've focused A LOT on that.. so much to the point that it's not really fun any more and I'd rather not focus on the details of the wedding than the fact that I'll be marrying my best friend. I am ready to elope. We're going to Hawaii in a couple of months and I'd love to gather at the top of a volcano there and say "I do" and get it over with. Then we can use the venue and photographer we have already reserved to be there just for a party. Or.. we can forfeit our deposit on the venue, find a hall, and have a pot luck! But of course, that won't happen, because everyone is excited to be there for our wedding and to watch us get married and to be a part of organizing the whole thing. It's all pretty organized anyway - we have an officiant, we have a venue, caterers, and a photographer. I now have a dress and he has a suit. Nobody really remembers the decorations in the end and I should pass the duties of music on to someone who is better at organizing that. There! Done! No centerpieces, and only balloons for decorations. As for a cake (or pie) we will buy a generic one the day before and simply place it on a table the day of. There, done. Planned.
With that off my plate, what is there to focus on next? Exercise? Clean house? Minimalism? Scrap-booking? It's not like I don't have hobbies. In fact, I have been dressed in my exercise gear since I woke up, hoping to motivate me to follow through with my goal to exercise. I see pictures of girls in sports bras and short shorts with there flat, defined abs, and tight thighs and butts. I wish I could be those girls but it's more difficult to be motivated to be them. It's hard to be motivated to eat egg whites, cut out sugar, make smoothies 2-3 times a day, plan meals in advance, and go to the gym daily, if not twice a day. I do exercise and eat fairly healthy because I believe in health. I do have a gym membership at work because I find when I workout during a night shift I feel better in the morning. I was thinking of doing drop in yoga this month at a studio just a couple blocks from my house.. but the $20 drop in fee deflates me. I was thinking of getting back into the drop in dance classes I tried while I was a nursing student and during my first year working as a nurse. Why haven't I done these? Because these classes are in the evening and I'm waiting for my future husband to come home and to interact with him and cook him dinner, and right now it feels more important to do that then to go to a dance class. Of course, I'm just making excuses. I need to come up with a goal. Just one goal for now, to work toward, to keep me motivated to stay in this city without aching for a baby. Oh yeah, I didn't mention that? I really want a baby. I think it's a combination of working with children, seeing my friends have children, and thinking about getting closer to turning 30. I think it's also a distraction so that I have something to look forward to that is a real possibility. Unlike the possibility of moving within just a couple hundred kms of my old friends and the mountains and better weather. Unlike the possibility of gaining steps in my career and becoming a critical care or emergency nurse or the possibility of getting a masters in nursing. Why can't I change my career? Because I want to be closer to the mountains and to my friends and family. Why can't it wait? Because I'm getting older and want a baby. Because I'm getting older I want to experience working and living in Australia with my sister for a little while (because you can't do that after 30) and want a stable career before having said baby and because I've had a dream to cycle across Canada since I was 18 and feel closer and closer to giving up that dream. You see my predicament? I'm sure I'll figure it out though. I'm sure I'll be able to do it all. Maybe I'll just have to wait another year for a baby and a house and a dog.
Till then.. Just keep smiling.