I've been feeling guilty recently about my volunteer work over seas, and false promises I made to everybody there that I would stay involved and fight for thier cause. I have realized, though, that I can't fight for their cause if my own life is uncertain. I am also a little unsure of what that cause is any more. It may sound selfish but I think it is time for me to focus on myself and the rest will come. I have always been a caring person and I will never give up on helping people, but I feel that somewhere along the way I have lost the confidence in myself that I had when I first started this blog. Perhaps it is the element of new that has caused me to question my wants and needs and perhaps it is just the stage in my life. Either way, I feel an increased positivity forcing itself into me. I have just recently started reading a book on detoxifying your life, on the importance of being healthy in body in order to be healthy in mind. I do tend to follow the trend of meditation and health but I also feel that I need to find something suited specifically to me, and not just because that is what people are saying works in order to gain confidence. I think that I have found my own way of meditating, without sitting and reflecting on my thoughts. I have been focusing on breathing which is the first step but I think just taking the time to sit and think about my day is also important. Not only thinking about my day but why did I spend 3 hours watching a tv series on DVD or why did I watch 2 movies, take an afternoon nap and feel like I wasted my day? I guess what I'm trying to say is that rather than just casually thinking about my day and reading books on self improvement I am beginning to feel the importance of moving into a phase of action.
Yesterday was a test toward my positivity. A few things happened that would have either caused me to say "the world is against me, I'm giving up" or "I have faith that things will get better and these events are only increasing my strength". I prefer to think that I am doing the second, though all things take time.. even though everybody that knows me would probably say I am one of the most positive people they know, like everybody, I have my moments of negativity.
I'm not sure where this is going, I just felt the need to blog and so here I am. I am looking forward to starting classes Monday and be in full study mode by next weekend. I am looking forward to meeting people and being physically active. I am looking forward to being the loving girlfriend I promised myself to be in the beginning of this relationship and to being a dedicated friend to those I left at home. Most important, I am looking forward to loving myself. I think in the past year I have let myself get farther and farther away and instead of feeling it and seeing it, I have only voiced the confidence I assumed to have. Where did that girl go? Maybe she is just a little lost, but I feel her coming back again. I hear her voice and her motivation to save the world and I know that she will come back to me before too long.
I suppose I am writing this to let the world know that I haven't given up. I hurt my toe, but I still put on my shoes, rode my bike, entered that trial dance class and danced! I took a break when I felt I was pushing my body too far, and though I will struggle with the small injury in the beginning I am determined to stick with it. I am also putting up reward posters in the library of the most important data stick I have ever lost in my life. I am not going to get mad at myself for being absent minded and forgetful.. no! I refuse to give in to the negative emotions of self-hatred and regret. Though they were meaningful files, life will go on, and people are still alive and well and that's all that matters.. people, not things. So, I am focusing on people.. my best friends, my family, my relationship. I am putting this as a statement to the world - I am not giving up, I am going to excel!
Yesterday was a test toward my positivity. A few things happened that would have either caused me to say "the world is against me, I'm giving up" or "I have faith that things will get better and these events are only increasing my strength". I prefer to think that I am doing the second, though all things take time.. even though everybody that knows me would probably say I am one of the most positive people they know, like everybody, I have my moments of negativity.
I'm not sure where this is going, I just felt the need to blog and so here I am. I am looking forward to starting classes Monday and be in full study mode by next weekend. I am looking forward to meeting people and being physically active. I am looking forward to being the loving girlfriend I promised myself to be in the beginning of this relationship and to being a dedicated friend to those I left at home. Most important, I am looking forward to loving myself. I think in the past year I have let myself get farther and farther away and instead of feeling it and seeing it, I have only voiced the confidence I assumed to have. Where did that girl go? Maybe she is just a little lost, but I feel her coming back again. I hear her voice and her motivation to save the world and I know that she will come back to me before too long.
I suppose I am writing this to let the world know that I haven't given up. I hurt my toe, but I still put on my shoes, rode my bike, entered that trial dance class and danced! I took a break when I felt I was pushing my body too far, and though I will struggle with the small injury in the beginning I am determined to stick with it. I am also putting up reward posters in the library of the most important data stick I have ever lost in my life. I am not going to get mad at myself for being absent minded and forgetful.. no! I refuse to give in to the negative emotions of self-hatred and regret. Though they were meaningful files, life will go on, and people are still alive and well and that's all that matters.. people, not things. So, I am focusing on people.. my best friends, my family, my relationship. I am putting this as a statement to the world - I am not giving up, I am going to excel!
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