I realize this blog hasn't become what I hoped it would. I think I created it for a place to express myself freely, to let all of my emotions show to the people that pay attention, and have somewhere to let loose. I think that is just as important as trying to change the world, because maybe the world doesn't need changing. Maybe all we need to do in life is figure out what makes each of us happy and go with it. Even if I don't become a well known humanitarian, even if I can only change a few lives momentarily, I think I'll still be satisfied. I realize that I had high expectations of myself. I wanted to change the world and be recognized, without being famous. Maybe there are still great things I can do in my area of expertise.. whatever that will be.
Nursing school has turned out to be just what I needed. I was hesitant at first, thinking that I only joined this program so I wasn't out in an empty world without knowledge being forced upon me, and so I felt successful. I thought that I could go on to be a nurse practitioner, the next best thing to a doctor, and then re-write my MCATs and go to medical school. Turns out, I don't want that anymore. Of course, I never know how I'll feel when I'm done this program. Maybe I will want to be a nurse practitioner still.. and maybe I will become a doctor later on in life.. but nobody can predict the future. I'm just glad that I chose this. I chose to interact with people who are in the same place in life as me. I chose to leave all of my friends in BC, to live independently, and alone (most of the time). I'm still learning how to be alone. I'm still trying to figure out how to be happy after spending a couple hours with nothing but my thoughts.. and to not be influenced by the many love movies that I've been watching (still working in that one for sure). But.. at least I'm growing up.
I've met some amazing people that I hope to stay friends with for the rest of my life. Here's my debate: how can I spread myself so far and not lose touch. I fear I've already lost touch with those that mean most to me. I know that when I come home I can always hang out with them, and that they will always be there for me if I really need it. I guess I just want to be there for them. I wonder how long I can be away before they realize "well you've missed all of our big moments, so why should we be there for yours?". It makes me wonder what I will do when I graduate, where I should live, how I can be most happy and still be there for everybody I care about.
I guess with all this thinking time I can't help but think of my future. I will be a nurse. I will be an amazing nurse. What does that mean for the rest of my life though? I know I'll always have friends, and I am so grateful for that. I know I will always be close with my family, and I am also so grateful for that. A few other things have entered my mind though? You could say I had a bit of a reality check, that I didn't like, but that made me conscious of how I present myself to others. Am I always trying to be the center of attention? Do I still show my insecurities to those that know me well? I can see how that can be frustrating. Do I always direct the conversation back to myself? Perhaps recently. I am not a psychiatrist.. or even a psychologist for that matter.. but I can guess that these changes have caused me to be a little more insecure. I guess that thinking about the future can be a scary thing, but I'm determined to enter it face on. I am still trying, as we all are. Nobody is perfect, and nobody can be 100% confident with themselves 100% of the time. I am confident that I am learning though. I am confident that I admire little parts of everybody I know or have ever met and that I will try and incorporate those into my own life.
Still.. time passes.. we just need to decide, what will we do with the time we have?
Nursing school has turned out to be just what I needed. I was hesitant at first, thinking that I only joined this program so I wasn't out in an empty world without knowledge being forced upon me, and so I felt successful. I thought that I could go on to be a nurse practitioner, the next best thing to a doctor, and then re-write my MCATs and go to medical school. Turns out, I don't want that anymore. Of course, I never know how I'll feel when I'm done this program. Maybe I will want to be a nurse practitioner still.. and maybe I will become a doctor later on in life.. but nobody can predict the future. I'm just glad that I chose this. I chose to interact with people who are in the same place in life as me. I chose to leave all of my friends in BC, to live independently, and alone (most of the time). I'm still learning how to be alone. I'm still trying to figure out how to be happy after spending a couple hours with nothing but my thoughts.. and to not be influenced by the many love movies that I've been watching (still working in that one for sure). But.. at least I'm growing up.
I've met some amazing people that I hope to stay friends with for the rest of my life. Here's my debate: how can I spread myself so far and not lose touch. I fear I've already lost touch with those that mean most to me. I know that when I come home I can always hang out with them, and that they will always be there for me if I really need it. I guess I just want to be there for them. I wonder how long I can be away before they realize "well you've missed all of our big moments, so why should we be there for yours?". It makes me wonder what I will do when I graduate, where I should live, how I can be most happy and still be there for everybody I care about.
I guess with all this thinking time I can't help but think of my future. I will be a nurse. I will be an amazing nurse. What does that mean for the rest of my life though? I know I'll always have friends, and I am so grateful for that. I know I will always be close with my family, and I am also so grateful for that. A few other things have entered my mind though? You could say I had a bit of a reality check, that I didn't like, but that made me conscious of how I present myself to others. Am I always trying to be the center of attention? Do I still show my insecurities to those that know me well? I can see how that can be frustrating. Do I always direct the conversation back to myself? Perhaps recently. I am not a psychiatrist.. or even a psychologist for that matter.. but I can guess that these changes have caused me to be a little more insecure. I guess that thinking about the future can be a scary thing, but I'm determined to enter it face on. I am still trying, as we all are. Nobody is perfect, and nobody can be 100% confident with themselves 100% of the time. I am confident that I am learning though. I am confident that I admire little parts of everybody I know or have ever met and that I will try and incorporate those into my own life.
Still.. time passes.. we just need to decide, what will we do with the time we have?
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